Louisa Shorney

The rain is incessant, as it has been all day, not a deluge nor a down pour nothing with so much passion as that. A never ending stream of wet, blotting out the sun and creating a permanent twilight. A wet that seeps through to the very core of your being leaving you sodden and down hearted. How like her own sense of being Cerridwen is thinking as the harmaxi splashes through the grey streets. The Commission’s Energy Resource Council paid nothing more than lip service to her report, all that work was just to tick the right boxes so that they could be seen to be objectively considering all of the ramifications. It is clear to her now, as she stares down in to a deep dark pit of pointlessness and despair, that they have never had any other intent but to push forward this new wave of fuel extraction rights. They didn’t give a damn that the data showed potentially catastrophic consequences, nor did they seem to care that it would involve violating an ancient forest. A forest that at its deepest heart had never been touched by man. These new pumping stations could contaminate or even worse destroy, an entire ecosystem. An ecosystem that they refuse to acknowledge the human race relies upon. All for nothing more than greed and selfishness. A tight knot of nausea takes seed in the pit of her stomach at the realisation that she has been used to legitimise greed and to provide a handy patsy when needed. As she stares into the gaping chasm of inevitable doom, feeling as grey and enervated as the sky, she lets go and begins to slide slowly down.

‘Miss?…..Miss?’

The harmaxi driver’s voice jolts her back.

‘That’ll be 12.60 Miss.’

‘Oh….Oh, yes. Sorry, I was miles away.’

Cerridwen manages to drag herself back up to the edge of the pit for a moment. Pulling a fifteen fiat note from her pocket she hands it to the driver as she opens the door and climbs out of the harmaxi.

‘Here keep the change. Thank you.’

‘Thank you Miss. Looks like ye’ve had a bit of a day, hope yeh have a better evenin’ Miss.’

‘That won’t be difficult I can assure you. But thank you, that’s very kind of you.’

Cerridwen turns her back and walks up the steps to her front door. As the harmaxi pulls away the driver shouts out of the window.

‘Cheer up Miss, it might never happen yeh know.’

‘Oh, but unfortunately, it very likely will.’

She mutters under her breath as she fishes for her keys somewhere in the chaos of her bag. Her thoughts fall back into the numbness of the pit whilst her hand continues its aimless rummaging. Lost in her growing sense of foreboding she is totally unaware of the door being held open for her.

‘Hello Cherub. Thought I heard a car pull up.’

Cerridwen jumps like a startled doe.

‘Shit Tom! You scared the Azrael out of me. I didn’t hear you open the door.’

Cerridwen looks up into Tom’s smiling face, her heart still beating in her throat where it had taken refuge.

‘Hey Sweetheart. Yeh look like ye’ve seen a ghost. Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare yeh.’

Tom holds out his arms offering his sheltering embrace.

‘I think I have seen a ghost. My own!’

She nestles into the warmth and comfort of his chest, breathing a sigh of relief as he holds her safe.

‘What happened with yer report?’

‘I really don’t want to go into it right now Tom. I just want a glass of wine and relax in a nice hot bath. Can we talk about it later?’

‘Of course. I’ll open the wine immediately Marm. Yeh can snuggle up by the range whilst I run us a hot soapy bath. And dinner is ready when ever yeh want it.’

Tom looks down at her with a cheeky grin, those sparkly blue eyes of his drawing her up and out of the pit.

‘Mmm, my Elysian man.’

Cerridwen reaches up and finds Tom’s warm lips with her own, allowing herself to sink into his kiss she feels life pouring back into her being.

‘Come on Kitty Cat lets get yeh in the warm ‘n’ dry.’

Putting his arm around her waist they walk through to a warm and welcoming kitchen full of the aromas of well crafted cooking. Whilst Tom takes her wet coat and hangs it on the back of the door Cerridwen nestles herself by the warmth of the range in her mother’s old rocking chair, one of the few things she’d brought from the farm to remind her of home. Taking a clean towel warming on the rail, Tom wraps it around her wet hair and begins to gently massage her head. Her body slowly releases its tension with the warmth of his touch and the cradling support of the chair. The rhythmic creak as it gently rocks back and forth soon has her mind drifting back. Nestled in her mothers arms in the old farm kitchen, with the smell of home cooking and the sound of the woodland birds chattering outside the window. A warm tear rolls down her cheek as her heart fills with a mixture of love, a deep sense of security and an aching loss. A gentle kiss that catches the tear and Tom’s strong hands rubbing her arms bring her back to the present. Cerridwen looks around the room at the table laid for dinner, the delicious smelling food simmering on the hob and a warm beam of sunshine breaks through the gloom, weakening the pull of the cavernous pit.

‘Thank you. All of this…it’s so thoughtful. I really am a very lucky lady.’

‘That yeh are my sweet, as lucky as I am to have yeh my Lady. Now how about that hot soak before the water goes cold? I could give yeh a more in-depth massage.’

Tom looks at her with that sparkle in his eye and winks.

*

        Curled up on the sofa after a long hot soak Cerridwen is feeling thoroughly nourished in heart, body and soul. The events earlier in the day seem like a world away now, just a terrifying dream of things that could only happen in a world gone mad. Smiling in her warm cocoon she is totally absorbed by Tom’s fire building ritual. Watching him sitting cross-legged on the floor, in front of the log burner, twisting sheets of newspaper and tying them into loose knots. She loves him for his little quirks, his bright inquiring mind, his soft and gentle heart.

‘So yeh gunna tell me what those money worshiping edjits did to get yeh in such a state today then?’

His question cuts through her dreamy daze and drops her back down to earth with a leaden thump. The seed of nausea rapidly blooms only to curdle in her belly at the reminder of the looming nightmare scenario that is soon to become a reality.

‘Oh man, I thought I’d safely packed that away in a box marked “Terrifying Nightmare, DON’T OPEN” and buried it where I wouldn’t have to face it.’

‘No such luck Kid-o. Reality is what it is whether you like it or not. Ye’ve gotta face it head on or ye’ll have no control over what it does to yeh Kitty Cat.’

Tom strikes a match and sets its flame to his intently built pyre then closes the door of the burner. The fire roars into being. Settling himself on to the sofa next to Cerridwen he lifts her onto his lap.

‘Come on now Cerri my love, we’ll face this demon together. Tell me what’ve those greedy feckers done?’

‘Ha! I’m surprised you can’t see ‘Scapegoat’ tattooed across my forehead.’

Cerri tries to keep a lightness to her words whilst the curdled nausea clenches into a tight fist, if only it were just a bad dream. She sighs heavily.

‘Oh, look it’s probably just me getting my knickers in a twist over nothing. I mean, they’re probably right, the evidence isn’t conclusive enough to support “an armageddon theory”.’

‘An armageddon theory! Is that what they called it?’

He sniggers with disgust, shaking his head incredulously.

‘Feckin’ edjits! Did they not read the report on the Western Waters?’

‘Ha! Yeah, that was “Folk lore and fairy tales with no viable evidence to hold any credibility.” They were totally dismissive Tom. Their condescension was sickening.’

Tom’s annoyance is palpable. Cerri can feel the muscles in his legs stiffening under her and the grip of his fingers tightening on her arms. He pushes her forward, firmly but gently, removing himself from their snug on the sofa. Walking across the room to the sideboard under the window, he reaches in and takes out a large bottle.

‘Braichleann?’

‘Yeah, please. I think I could do with one.’

Cerri releases a sigh of resignation and curls up in the warmth left by their snug.

‘I feel totally wiped out.’

‘I’m not surprised.’

Tom passes her a glass of golden malt and turns his attentions to the fire. She watches him as he pokes at the glowing coals, adds more fuel and stares at the fire, pouring his thoughts into the flames.

The clinkering of the receiver on the table by Cerri’s head clamours into the silence making her jump and release a squeak from an almost stifled shriek. Tom bursts out laughing.

‘Don’t be so mean you brute. That scared me half to death. I was miles away.’

She reaches behind her for the phone smiling behind her mask of umbrage and slides back into the snug.

‘Hello?’

‘Is that Cerri?’

‘It is. Dah?’

‘Hello Sweetheart. I just wanted to check yer doing ok.’

Cerri always feels calmed by the soft, lilting, almost musical voice of her father.

‘I’m ok. It’s been a bit of a day dah, but I’m ok thanks.’

‘How did it go at the Commission today? It was today, wasn’t it?’

‘Yes. Yes it was.’

She takes a deep breath and holds it before letting it out slowly.

‘I don’t know why I bothered dah to be honest, they had no intention of taking my report seriously. It was just a formality…… a box that needed ticking.’

‘Mmm…. I’m not so sure Sweetheart. I’m not sure about that at all.’

‘What d’ya mean dah?’

‘I don’t believe they think so lightly of it Cerri my love. It’s far more likely that they wanted to find out how much and what, exactly, that you do know. That and that the best way to hide the truth is to discredit the ones who know it. You must be careful Cerri, my love. I know I sound like I’m overreacting, but….’

He takes a deep breath and sighs.

‘I don’t want to loose you like I lost yer mother. Believe me child I know what they’re capable of.’

‘Oh come on dah, what threat am I to them?’

With fear and denial she tries desperately to quash the panic rising from the clenched fist in her belly.

‘Oh come now child, you never were any good at standing down in the face of a lie. You let the truth be ignored because some bully is trying to intimidate you? That’s not my daughter. Yer bloody minded and stubborn when it comes down to it, my dear, just like yer mother. I’m sorry to sound over the top my love, but all yer mother was doing was standing up for the truth, she never caused harm to any on all she did was try to stop it. Ye’ll do the same, I know you will, and you simply know too much Cerri.’

‘So what do you suggest I do dah?’

‘Step back quietly. Leave whilst there’s still time. You have to make them think yer naive to what’s really going on.’

‘Well that won’t be difficult dah, I really am.’

‘Look over yer research again girl. With out the blinkers of the Commission’s Charter. Open yer eyes and see it afresh. Ye’ll soon see why they want you and yer research wiped out.’

‘You really think they’re that ruthless?’

‘I know they are.’

‘Ok, well I could come stay with you for a bit. I’ve been thinking about the farm a lot recently.’

‘No, no, you can’t do that. It’s not safe here.’

Fear joins panic, punching past any remnants of denial, overwhelming Cerri.

‘What do you mean it’s not safe there? Dah? What’s happening? Are you alright? Why is it not safe there?’

‘Shhh! Calm yerself now girl. I’m fine. They came bangin’ at five this mornin’. Said no more legal loops ‘n’ tapes would stop them. Handed me a document demanding the immediate release of lands known as the River Mead, all rights granted to CERC. They’ve already brought in the diggers.’

‘Diggers? What the feck dah? What’s goin’ on, what the Mother are they doin’ with diggers?’ ‘They’re building an access road into the forest for their big tracks. Something about a subterranean gas field at the foot of Mount Breo near the borders of the Western Waters. Easiest way to gain access is threw yher an’ they can follow the river for the most part. So you see, my love…. I knew they weren’t going to pay heed to yer report. And they know that this is yer farm. They made quite sure that I was aware of that fact.’

An impassioned tidal wave of righteous indignation washes away the knotted fist of panic and fear.

‘Bastards! I thought they might be setting me up to take the fall but….Ah! They can discredit anything I say now and use you as leverage to get at me if I try. Oh Mother! I wanna bring those bastards down.’

‘Well, you can my love. But not from here and not now. There are things you need to understand first. Things that I can not teach you. It’s best if you go stay with yer Aunt Meg for a while. A trip to the Northern Quadrant to look after a fading great aunt should keep them off yer tail for a time. I’ve sent word to Meg. She’ll expect you in a couple of days.’

‘Oh so I don’t get a say in the matter then?’

‘No Cerri you don’t. Now pass me to that Tom of yers. I need to have a word.’

‘But dah…’

‘No buts Cerri my sweet. I love you. Now pass me to Tom.’

Knowing that there’s no arguing with her dah when he’s made his mind Cerri proffers the receiver to Tom.

‘Dad wants a word.’

‘Hi David, what’s up?’

‘Can you take the phone somewhere I can talk to you privately?’

‘Yup sure, just a minute.’

Tom kisses her on the cheek and takes the conversation into the hall closing the door behind him, leaving Cerri to curl up in her little snug on the sofa and let exhaustion swallow her.

*

         A soft and gentle caress from a delicately rose scented hand stirs Cerri from her slumber. That scent, so subtle, so soothing, so reassuring, so reminiscent.

‘Hey, little Engel. It’s time to wake up now.’

Cerri dozily grumbles not wanting to drag herself from sleep.

‘Wakey, wakey, Engelos.’

Her eyes slowly open. With hazy, sleep, soaked sight she can just make out a strangely familiar form sitting beside her. Rose perfume fills her nostrils and her eyes find their focus.

‘Mah?’

‘Hey, my little Engel, how have you been?’

‘I..I..’

Cerri shakes her head trying to bring herself awake, this can’t be real she must be dreaming.

‘But..but.. how? You’re not…..You can’t be…..This isn’t…….Don’t be silly Cerri, you’re just dreaming.’

Cerri pulls herself up from her snuggle and rubs her eyes trying to clear the dream away. Eyes now fully wide awake she stares at the woman sat beside her with incredulity.

‘You’re not real! You’re dead!’

Cerri’s mother gets up and walks away, her image shimmering slightly as in a haze of heat. Without warning a thick fog swirls around her and her visage slowly begins to fade. She turns to look at Cerri before disappearing behind a cloak of mist.

‘Come with me Sweetheart. I need to show you something.’

The little five year old girl, who lost her mummy, now surges up inside Cerri at the chance of being held in her mother’s arms once more. Jumping to her feet she runs after the faded image, terrified that she might lose her all over again.

‘Wait, wait. Mah don’t go. Mah, mah! Wait for me. I’m coming. Don’t leave me behind. Please don’t leave me.’

Tears well up in her eyes and grief clogs her throat.

‘This way, follow me.’

With no more than a whisper in the mist to follow Cerri blindly races after a phantom that she can no longer see. She tries to call out but her mouth is too dry and the hard lump in her throat makes it painful. Panic beats a deafening drum in her ears and tears of frustration blind her eyes as the fog seems to thicken. With so much inexpressible emotion Cerri feels fit to explode. Suddenly there is a change in the air and a breeze on her face brings the scent of roses with it. The alarm throbbing in her head quietens and her breathing calms slightly as the scent fills her nostrils.

‘Just a little further now.’

Peering into the mist Cerri takes as deep a breath as her anguish will allow and wipes the tears from her eyes. With her concentration focusing in on the search for her mother, her panic subsides and reason begins to return. Closing her eyes, able to breathe more deeply now, Cerri tries to centre herself.

‘With rational thought comes clear sight, mother used to say.’

‘That I did Engelos and it does.’

Jumping like an ambushed antelope Cerri’s heart starts pounding in her ears again, she holds her head in her hands.

‘Aah! You’re in my head?’

‘No my Engel. I’m right here.’

Looking up the mist has gone and there in front of her is her mother, as clear as day. She drops her hands and shakes her head.

‘Yes but you..I..ugh..W..Where are we?’

The ground around them is steep, covered in short cropped grass and there is a large wall of rock at her back.

‘The Mother’s Mountain, Breo Saighead. Come quickly, time is waning.’

Without waiting for more questions or argument, her mother turns and starts to climb up into the mountain. Realising that she is not going to get any answers by questioning Cerri obediently follows her mother, surprised by her own calm acceptance of the situation. They walk at a steady pace following an unseen path. After what seems like an hour of silent steady climbing Cerri stops for a moment to take in the view and catch a little breath. Looking ahead along their path she sees the mountain disappearing up into the clouds. To her right the land rolls over large rocks and small, covered in the tight hugging grasses, herbs and stunted wild flowers of alpine grazing grounds. To her left it falls away steeply into a tree covered valley below. If they are where her mother says then she must be looking at the very heart of the Great Forest below her. The forbidden lands, where no human that has ever tried to enter has returned from, including her mother. Scanning the canopy below her Cerri sees a large hole in its dense mass of leaves. A forest glade. There’s the glint of water sparkling at the foot of a giant tree being in the centre. Whilst she’s looking at the clearing a large red fox appears at its edge. Intrigued by the fox’s behaviour, Cerri watches as he circles in on the pool, almost as if he’s hunting it. She keeps her eyes fixed on the scene unfolding below. Suddenly the fox stops in its tracks and stiffens its body, looking across the clearing at something that has just appeared at the edge of the pool. Cerri takes a sharp, involuntary breath as she watches a giant white stag bend its head to the water. She can hardly believe her eyes.

‘Surely this can’t be real? Such a beast is only found in Myth and Legend?’

‘The truth is often hidden in myth and folklore, Engelos. Your eyes do not deceive you.’

With her arm around her shoulder, Cerri can feel the warmth of her mother’s flesh and the weight of her being. She turns to look into her mother’s eyes and for the briefest of moments she feels like she is looking into an endless universe.

‘Are you really here? Are you really real?’

She whispers more to herself than to her mother as her mind struggles with confusion and doubt.

‘Yes, I am real daughter. As real as you are. Come, we must move on, there is someone you must meet before…’

‘Before what?’

‘Before….before we must return Engel.’

Her mother smiles reassuringly.

‘Come, quickly now, the time is nearly out.’

As the mist returns threatening to engulf her mother again so does the little girl in Cerri, rising up on a surge of panic.

‘Mah! Don’t go! Don’t leave me!’

A warm hand grasps her own and pulls her up into the mountain at a pace. Cerri follows close behind her glad that she does not let go her grip. Climbing the mountainside up a roughly hewn stairway until they reach an open ledge. A large flat expanse of rock backed by the shear face of the mountain as she continues up into the clouds. A rivulet flowing down the wall of rock has carved a shallow indent in the back of the ledge where water now gathers as a small pool.

‘Come little one, you must drink or he will not come.’

‘Who will not come?’

‘Your Messeer.’

‘My What?’

‘Cronk, Cronk!’

A large raven comes to land on her mother’s out stretched arm and looks into her eyes. They stare intently at each other for a moment and then her mother nods as if she is responding to the bird.

‘Cerri meet Branwen. My Messeer.’

‘And Azriel knows what that is!’

As Cerri looks at the bird it bows its head in acknowledgement, her body replies with a bow of its own before she has a chance to gather her wits or anything else.

‘Cerri! You must drink now. Whilst there is still time.’

Her head spinning in confusion, filled with questions and disbelief, Cerri simply follows her mother’s instruction in silent obedience. Kneeling beside the pool she bends her head to its surface and scoops up the clear, cool water in the cup of her hands. As she drinks the water sparkles in her mouth and down her throat, deliciously refreshing, calming and soothing it washes through her body. A strange tingling sensation rushes up her spine and floods into the back of her head and flushes across her face. Her mind clears becoming more at ease, no longer full of questions but of a deeper sense of knowing, understanding. Her skin tingles with a vibrant awareness of the air about her and all the information that it carries. A myriad strange sounds previously out of her auditory range now vie for attention. Looking around her, Cerri’s eyes have not missed out on this sensory upgrade either, an inexplicable quality. Somehow she can see through, into, beyond what is around her? Slowly she gets to her feet, overwhelmed with all this new sensory information she’s feeling a little giddy. Branwen lets out a loud squawk and Cerri nearly jumps out of herself.

‘Come now! She’s ready!’

‘By Azriel’s flame when did birds learn to man speak?’

Within moments there is a flutter of wings and a flash of bright blue as a small jay comes to land on Cerri’s shoulder. The little jay looks Cerri in the eyes and takes a bow.

‘Greetings, my Messeer. My name is Bredda.’

Held by the little bird’s gaze Cerri nods a bow and stutters.

‘Uh, uh…my name is Cerridwen. Oh, b..b..but you can call me Cerri.’

Cerri’s mother steps forward, placing her hand lightly on Cerri’s shoulder, she breaks the connection.

‘Forgive me my darling daughter. I wish we had more time, there is so much I need to share with you. But we must go now. Do not loose your light, my little one, no matter how dark it becomes.’

With no further explanations her mother turns and walks into the fog that has come swirling around their feet.

‘No! No! Don’t go! Mah, please don’t leave me!’

As her eyes swell with tears Bredda draws her gaze once more.

‘I will be waiting for you Messeer. Know that even when you can not see me I am always with you.’

With that Bredda takes off and disappears into the fog leaving Cerri to stand alone.

‘But I don’t even know what a Messeer is! How can you just leave me like this? Come back! Mother please! Don’t leave me, come back!’

*

‘Come back, come back! Please don’t leave me!’

‘I’m here Cerri. I won’t leave yeh. Sweetheart wake up!’

Tom shakes Cerri, desperately trying to wake her from what is so obviously a distressing dream.

‘Cerri, sweetheart! Please wake up!’

Cerri opens her eyes releasing a flood of tears. Sitting up she flings her arms around Tom’s neck and sobs uncontrollably into his shoulder.

‘There, there Sweetheart! Never mind, what ever it was, it was just a dream.’

He soothes in a sing-song way, stroking her hair and gently rocking her back and forth, like a frightened child, in his arms. Her sobbing slowly subsides and her breathing begins to calm.

‘There, there my love, tell me all about it.’

‘It was my mother. She was so real. It was all so real. And now I’ve lost her all over again Tom.’

She resumes her sobbing and buries her head back into his shoulder for a moment whilst she quells her grief. Slowly she pulls away from Tom and sits up rubbing her eyes, burning and puffy from so much salt water, sniffing back the down pour.

‘Sorry.’

‘Nothing to be sorry fer, my love.’

‘I’m such a mess. I don’t know why you put up with me Tom.’ She sobs.

‘Hey now. Yeh know very well that I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you. Yeh gave me the strength to keep on fighting when I couldn’t find a reason to try. I would gladly do the same for you.’

He meets her with his bright blue, sparkly eyes and can not help but smile.

‘But yer right, yar a bit of a mess.’

‘Oh cheers, thanks.’

She sniffs a smile back at him, feeling much calmer now.

‘How long was I sleeping?’

‘Ah it’s been about an hour since I came back in from chatting with yer dad. Yeh were fast asleep then. Yeh were so peaceful lookin’ I didn’t want to disturb yeh.’

‘What did Dah want you for?’

‘Oh, just to make sure I’d look after yeh properly. Yeh know, that talk that dads have with their darling daughter’s boyfriend.’

‘Really? Is that all he wanted to talk about?’

‘Well that and few of the finer details about our little trip to the Northern Quadrant. I’ve sorted most of it, just need to make a couple of calls, but they can wait ‘til the mornin’.

Remembering the conversation with her father earlier grounds her a little but the seeming reality of her dream does not fade. Cerri feels somewhat insubstantial as if she’s floating between two worlds, two realities, but not fully a part of either.

‘I’m so tired Tom I don’t feel like I’ve slept at all. I just want the day to end so that it can’t throw any more shit at me.’

‘Go snuggle up in bed then Sweetheart. I’ll be up to tuck you in in a wee while.’